I’m Not Fat.

I just had to remind myself of that fact.

I’m having one of those days…

I am really starting to feel like I might need some help with the negative thoughts that roll around my head regarding my body.  I know I’m in an industry where I have to wear bikinis onstage every night and where all the women around me look like supermodels.. but I was cast in the show, they obviously don’t think I’m fat.  It’s just me.  It’s in my head.  I know that.  It doesn’t make it any easier…

Emotional Eating:

I think I had my first experience with this the other night.  I mean, I know I’ve done it in the past, we all do at some point, I’m sure.  But this time, it was just so obvious to me that it was happening.  I’d gone to the gym, gone grocery shopping, come home ready to cook a nice meal for my family.  I was hungry and in a bad mood.  They were already eating when I arrived.  Fine.  Then my brother made a comment about my jeans being “mom” jeans and I lost it.  Like full tears, calls to Mr. Best Things, freak out that I am too fat to wear jeans and that I was embarrassed that I’d just been seen wearing them.  WTF. Easy there psycho.  Then I proceeded to eat almost an entire baguette by myself in the kitchen while I cooked my dinner.  I was hungry, yes. But the whole baguette?  I knew it was weird as it was happening but I couldn’t stop it…

Body Dysmorphia:

I am really beginning to think I’m affected by this.  It almost seems like the healthier I eat, the more I exercise, the more I think about my body, the more I stress and the worse I feel about myself.  I know that right now I’m the most toned I’ve ever been.  Weight aside.  I have been strength training, running, and dancing more consistently now than ever.  So what gives?  Why do I feel worse about myself than ever?

Comparison:

I am surrounded by beautiful women at work.  And not just like at the cubicle next to you.  Like changing in the room with you.  We have no secrets and they’re all stunning.  I am actually JEALOUS.  I see a 40 something woman in the grocery store wearing skinny jeans.  I think “she’s probably had kids and she’s twice your age and her thighs are thinner than yours”.  I am jealous of strangers.  This is not normal.

Lack of Positivity:

I have always wished things about my body were different.  Like I want longer legs.  Good luck, Kayla.  That’s impossible.  No matter how far you run, how little you eat. Impossible.  I used to be able to find things I liked about myself.  But those thoughts are moving farther and farther out of my reach these days.

What now?

I’m not sure.  Some part of me feels like saying all this stuff out loud to the internet will help relieve their burden.  Admit you have a problem, right?  Thinking all of those things, and then beating yourself up for thinking them, then trying to hide them?  So. much. drama.  And it’s all in my head.

I’m also going to make a list right now of things I like about my body.  Please don’t think this is easy for me or that I’m boasting.  I’m in a pretty deep emotional hole right now and I think forcing a little bit of positive thinking might help me dig my way out.

Good Things:

-The way my legs look when I’m doing the squat track in Body Pump.  They are big, but they’re muscular.  They’re strong, and they’re becoming more defined.

-The fact that I am out there on the festival stage with my stomach out in two different numbers and I not dead.  It’s not easy, but I’m doing it.  It can only get easier, right?

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I hope this list will get longer one of these days…

Thank you for listening.